[STORY TIME] MY LIFE AS A FRESHER

MY LIFE AS A FRESHER 

Episode 6

Read Previous Episode HERE

Reluctantly entering the new room with a mean look, trying to form hard guy, the faces I met too were not so welcoming as everyone was on his lane trying to put things in order. A big-headed light skin guy broke the silence and greeted, “Brother welcome“, I looked back trying to confirm if he was really talking to me, “who be brother, elder or younger?“, I questioned myself as I replied him “Ya thanks” I could easily tell that he was one of those christian fanatics. I occupied my zone and started arranging my stuffs, it was already getting dark and I was quite tired, I then decided to rest my head..

“It was John the baptist that rescued the Israelites through the red sea!!!”, “No!! It was Joseph the capentar!!!”, “The wages of sin is death”, “Yes, Jesus wept!”, “For God so loves the world that he gave his…”, “There is a man named Chukwudi in the bible, he was the brother of Luke”, “Anger is a sin, check Proverbs chapter 14 verse 304″… Random bible picks coupled with argument and unfathomable juxtaposition of religious jargons was what woke me up after some hours of peaceful sleep. Waving off whatever might be making the unwarranted noise, I tried to continue my sweet sleep as they kept arguing, but the statement that could not just skip my hearing was that of an Anglican dude, he said “Most of all the things we do are sins, only the grace of God can take one to Heaven, even sleeping is a sin“. I opened my eyes to see a full house of bible holders, they were all with bibles, manning each bedspace looking desperate to win the argument. I told myself “I refuse to believe these are my roommates, bunch of bible freaks, it must not be so”. I tried to console myself. Then I continued studying them like a book as they kept quoting verses, at the same time some were going off point while trying to be on point. The laughter of the guy next to my bunk was so annoying, sounding like the cry of a Gorilla. I wondered ; “How come this people already got so much along with themselves, is it not the same today that we all arrived…If these religious gangsters are to be my roommates, then it’s me against them all o cos they no go like me and I no go like them“.

My phone rang and it was “Bolanle“, my secondary school lover. “Osheyyy baddest, time to do what I do best“. I picked the call and she told me to come over to her room. “Mozambique, here I come…” I bounced out of the spirit-filled room without speaking to no one, with the hope that by the time I get back, I would meet a normal set of sane individuals. Rubbing my fresh cheek as I bounced out of Angola hall, I was caught with a lovely but somewhat intimidating sight-seeing of boys and girls all in twos positioned at respective vantage points. I smiled at the wind and said “I will join you guys soon… By the time this semester is over, I will be winning this school by 14 goals to nil, meaning one girl per week for 14weeks. That’s the plan. And it starts now, Bolanle you are the first, so let’s rock and roll“.

I adjusted by belt, cleaned by oily face with the new face towel my mum brought from Deaconess Eludire‘s daughter’s wedding, twisted by neck till it makes that sweetening sound, then hit my feet on the solid ground of anglomoz to confirm my readiness before marching forward and towards Mozambique, the girls’ hostel.

It’s been 15minutes inside the hostel and I had not even thought of why I was inside. I was carried away with the cute looks of them girls, who says Nigerian girls are not beautiful?? Throw him in jail for 14years as it’s the same offense of being gay. They were just too charming, plus the fact that they were all carrying new hairstyles, who doesn’t want to look good on her first day on campus. Some of them were so confident like they have been in there for years, I guessed they were ex pre-degreestudents. While some of them kept greeting everyone like they were being intimidated. When it got to a point where I thought people started suspecting me for roaming aimlessly for minutes, I got back to my sense. “Why I even dey here sef, oh! Bolanle Block V room 110″. Then I faced the real mission of locating Block V, too many blocks I could not know which is which. “I too proud to dey ask for where block V dey na, it will make me sound like a fresher, i want them to see me like a part 4 student mehn“, I bragged stupidly as I walked down the paths like a king, you would really think I was not a fresher

After minutes of searching, I located the room, victory at last. “I don dey sweat o, make I clean my face before I knock“…I did that then put a sexy soft knock on the wooden door, obviously recently painted. “Who is it”, “Who is that”, “Yes, who goes there”, “Girl or boy?”…Like four unknown female voices echoed together, then I decided to throw the once-funny-but-then-boring secondary school joke, those days when we knock on the girls’ doors in their hostel and the saying goes like, “Who is it“, we would reply like “I am the I am that I am“. Then I threw the reply back at them, thinking they will all laugh it off, run to the door, smile at me and tag me the funny guy. But the replies I got from the same voices and more got me wishing the ground could just open and swallow someone. Are

you okay?”, “Be like say u neva ready to enter”, “Oponu ni guy yii o”, “You are so funny but I forgot to laugh”, “Your mates are not here, check the asylum”, “mtcheewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”, “You are sooo boring you should be in Unilorin”, “You are the mumu that you are for real”, “Look at how he even said it, ayam the ayam that ayam, he must be an Ibadan boy”… Laughter filled the atmosphere of the room, within seconds I was already sweating. “Wetin I still dey do for here, make I just take to my heels so dey no go just open door to see the face of the fool o, I no fit allow dem see my face, No!!! I can’t make this my first impression“. I ran like it was the second coming of Christ and the criteria is on first come first serve basis, panting really hard, I took to a dark corner of anglomoz, sat on the floor, longing for oxygen. “Mehn this girls finished me o, no one can try that with me in my secondary school mehnnnn, I will see Bolanle some other time, I wont even tell her I came so she will not suspect, I will just tell her I forgot, no be me una no disgrace, bastardsssss“. Going back to my room, it was the first day on campus and everything was already getting horrible, the adventure was not being funny, the action was not going so well.

I got back to my room and the spiritual air was clear, new faces I saw again. “Yo nigga, is that your bed?“, a new guy asked. I was like “Ya sure, what’s the name?“. We exchanged greetings and threw some introductions at each other. Our conversation goes like :::

David : Let's put our beds close to each other
Me : No qualms (Looking suspicious) "Abi this guy na gay nii"
David : I need to iron my shirt, throwing the best of swag tomorrow, i will be going to get my departmental registration done and I need to show some good impressions
Me : Not only you bro, though girls are limited in my own department, engineering shii, but looking good doesnt hurt
David : Really, I pray we have cute girls in my own department, which will most probably be, girls are the salt of life
Me : This one that you are already taking of girls, I bet you are yet to buy any book
David : We've not started lectures now, it's time to flex, no bookworming yet
Me : Na true sha, bring out your iron
David : Maybe you should iron yours first, are you still going out tonight
Me : Not sure, probably.
David : I want to go out and chill with my secondary school mates, we can go together
Me : No qualms, hope they are nice sha
David : They might be unpredictable at times, but they are friendly
Me : Hmmmmmmm......

Feeling happy, I said to myself, “So good now I have someone that thinks like me as a roommate, na my guy be this“.

After pressing our shirts and hanging them neatly, we hit the road.

David : You no see the kinda people wey dey our room nii
Me : Na wetin me sef wan talk now, before I commot they just dey disturb my peace with bible arguments
David : Be like say some of them do Pre-Degree, say dem dey preach together for Pre-Degree, they con put them for the same room for here
Me : Na our room they con put them? Which kain yawa be dat
David : Me no get problem with them, no just give then face, they no go follow u talk shit
Me : Me wey i hate make person dey preach for me, the one my mama don talk don do me, nothing wey dey wan talk wey I never hear before. I be sinner but I sabi how to settle my matter with God.
David : No be only you. I believe in God too but I no dey use my own dey disturb others
Me : Na so e suppose be now
David : Na dem sabi. Let me call my people out
Me : SharpSharp no time

He called his secondary school mates and three girls marched towards us, like they were already outside. See fresh girls, I began to wonder what type of secondary school the guy attended, what sort of Nigerian secondary school produces this kind of fresh girls when my own secondary school girls are all looking like
tattered baggage.

He introduced me officially to the girls and I gave them each my honorable handshake while raising and squeezing my forehead to look good. Then I started playing my normal trick, forming familiaririty, famzing, “You look familiar, where are you from?”, Lagos she said, “Chai, me wey never go Lagos before“. But the smart guy never goes short of words, I continued…

Girl : I am from Lagos, this is actually my first time outta Lag
Me : Really, sounds interesting but I think I've seen this face before. Probably someone that looks like you. Maybe on TV, you like like one video vixen like that. What's the name?
Girl : Really? Ya teasing me, anyways I am Tosin by name
Me : Tosin?? Is it Oluwatosin? Omotosin? Ifatosin? Owotosin? Olatosin? Iyatosin? Adetosin? Babatosin? Erantosin? Oritosin? Which one?
Girl : (Alredy laughing really hard) Oluwatosin.... (Continues laughing)
Me : Well Well, I am *******by name, my mum call me ********, girls call me *********, haters call me ********, but you can call me **********... What's your course?
Girl : Sociology
Me : Huh... One of those courses, you guys are on this campus to chill actually, no stress.
Girl : I know.. but the problem starts when we graduate, who will employ a sociologist in Nigeria
Me : Smiles... Thank God you know. Pretty girls like you have no problem. Just graduate and rich guys like us will walk you down the aisle, you just hang your certificate next to the kitchen knife, you won't even need it.
Girl : You are funny, I don't like the course, they gave it to me cos I didn't meet up with the cut-off.
Me : Why didn't you meet the cutoff? You allowed that guy in your street to take your time?
Girl : Not really, I'm not the reading type
Me : Then you are exactly in the right department...
We continued talking, ignorant of the location of the other guys, I did not even know when they left us. I decided to form rich guy, took her to the suya joint and ordered #500 suya for two, making #1000. To the shock of my life, the #500 suya was nothing more than what Musa, the suya seller at my junction back home would sell for #100, with jara. My eyes changed colour to light red, I could not cry, forced the smile as I gave the greedy suya man the money. We continued talking, we picked topics and talked across niches, it was like we were already liking each other’s company. It was already 11pm and I was feeling sleepy, the next action in line now is to tell her off, but before then I needed to ask of her number.

Me : Lemme see your phone...Wow I love the colour, it's even Samsung. How much did you buy it?
Girl : My Dad actually got it for me, I did not bother to ask the price
Me : All these Daddy's girls sha, they won't stop intimidating us.
Girl : Smiless... Abi ooo
Me : Unlock it.
She unlocked the phone using the popular android lock pattern
Me : Yeee! Look at how hard your pattern is, if you were to be using Iphone 6 nkor, you will build a vault for it
Girl : Of course, I didn't like it when my brother picks my phone and reads through my chat, that's why.
Me : So you even have a brother...
I did not allow another topic to germinate before I hit the nail on the head...
Me : Do you have airtime, lemme flash my phone with yours so I can save your number
Girl : Yap sure, go ahead.
Me : It's a long day ahead tomorrow, maybe we should go to bed now and see later tomorrow, deal?
Girl : Ya, deal! Hi Five!
Me : Take it! Ciao

“What a night well spent“, I said to myself as I stroll happily back to my room. David was not yet back when I got in, whoever knew where he went to with two girls. Straight to the bed. It was the first day on campus and a lot already happened, I already have a porter as a friend, a bully as an enemy, bunch of church gangster as roommates, a real gee as roommate, insulted in girls’ hostel, got a new potential girlfriend. What a day………….Sleep took me off………………

To be continued...